It's hard to imagine but we owe Napoleon Bonaparte a debt of gratitude; that vain glorious conqueror of short stature and an itchy stomach.
But without his efforts to link himself to the great dynasties of the past and invading Egypt for shits and giggles, we would not have that priceless dictionary to history, The Rosetta Stone.
Previous to the discovery, translating hieroglyphs was pure guesswork. Are they decorations only, a complex language or to borrow from When Harry Met Sally, "An ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxie?"
Unfortunately Bonaparte never discovered a Rosetta Stone for women, which explains why he didn't realise Joséphine only liked him for his tri-horn hat.
His romantic downfall is our own.
I like to think I understand women.
Oops, let me give the provisos.
I understand women as friends. Easy enough, people are people and no different from male mates but with less public farting.
I sort of understand women in a relationship. Nobody likes to do the washing up, so you compromise, buy a dishwasher and have sex on the kitchen floor instead.
I don't understand women when dating.
Conversations feel loaded. It's like you're on American Idol in the audition rounds and you're singing your heart out while waiting for the critiques to start #.
You're singing an original but she really wants a cover version of her high school boyfriend.
You're singing Happy Happy Joy Joy' but she prefers angsty emo rock or vice versa.
There is a tightrope you are walking, where one imperfect sentence will send you plummeting onto the broken rocks of loneliness and googling "Evangeline Lilly Nude".
Even footwear is being romantically judged?
I can't tell you how much that rocked my perceptions.
Every conversation I've ever had with a girl is jumbled up in my mind. I no longer hear the words but instead see this:-
I know why men and women are initially coy.
There is no need to hang out your dirty landry but there is a line between what you want to say and what you expect they want to hear.
So the questions are:-
When dating, do you mine the conversation with little tests?
Do you need a Rosetta Stone too?
# Note that when you start dating a girl, you also are quasi-dating her friends. While the girl in questin has the final vote, there is a three person panel offering commentary. Make nice with the judges my friend